MBAPPÉ'S GOLDEN BOOT, REAL MADRID'S GOLDEN SHOWER!

Another day, another dose of football proving it's either mind-numbingly predictable or completely unhinged.

Let's kick things off with the BIGGEST waste of money in world football. Kylian Mbappé, the guy who's supposed to be the undisputed GOAT, just bagged his SECOND consecutive Pichichi for Real Madrid. CONGRATS, KYLIAN! You're the BEST at scoring goals for a team that WINS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. A "saison blanche" – a BLANK season – for Real Madrid, again. Seriously, what's the point of having the most expensive player on the planet if you can't even win a freaking COPA DEL REY? And now some rich dude, Enrique Riquelme, thinks he can waltz in and take down Florentino Pérez? GOOD LUCK, buddy. Pérez has probably buried more bodies than trophies this season, and he's STILL running the show. This whole operation is a SHAM.

Speaking of sham, how about Bayern Munich? Harry Kane decided to remind everyone he's a goal-scoring machine, bagging a hat-trick to seal their 14th (FOURTEENTH!) domestic double. You know what that is? BORING. Utterly, undeniably, soul-crushingly BORING. It's like watching a movie where you already know the ending, except the movie is 90 minutes long and happens 50 times a year