London Stadium’s Great Escape

If you want to see a high-speed car crash, you usually head to the M25. Instead, 60,000 people turned up at the London Stadium on Friday night to watch Wolverhampton Wanderers effectively dissolve into a fine mist. It wasn’t just a defeat; it was a surrender so complete it should have come with a white flag and a written apology to the traveling fans.

West Ham United, a team that has spent most of this season looking like they’d struggle to beat a group of reasonably athletic pensioners, suddenly decided to play like Brazil 1970. Or at least like a team that actually wants to stay in the Premier League. For Wolves, the "Old Gold" looked more like "Old Rust," remaining rooted to the bottom of the table with the structural integrity of a wet paper bag.

The scoring opened just before the break when Konstantinos Mavropanos, a man who usually defends with the grace of a falling wardrobe, rose highest to thump home a header in the 42nd minute. It was a simple goal, mostly because the Wolves defense appeared to be social distancing from the ball.

The second half was where the true comedy began. Taty Castellanos decided he’d seen enough of the tactical stalemate and scored twice in 120 seconds. His first in the 66th minute was clinical, but his second two minutes later was pure slapstick from the visitors. By the time Mavropanos added his second and the Hammers' fourth in the 83rd minute, the only thing missing was the "Benny Hill" theme music playing over the stadium speakers.

This result is DISASTROUS for Gary O’Neil’s side. Wolves are now 15 points from safety with only six games left. At this point, they don’t need a miracle; they need a time machine. Meanwhile, West Ham have managed to claw their way up to 17th, leapfrogging a Tottenham Hotspur side that now finds itself in the RELEGATION ZONE. Seeing Spurs in the bottom three is the kind of comedy that keeps the East End alive.

It was a SPECTACULAR performance from the Hammers, who finally showed some backbone. As for Wolves, the Championship is calling, and based on this evidence, they won't even have the energy to pick up the phone.