England Get The Job Done, Eventually

The FIFA World Cup, a stage for heroes, drama, and sometimes, the utterly predictable. This particular fixture pitted the footballing giants (in their own minds, at least) of England against the plucky, if slightly outmatched, Panama. We all knew what was supposed to happen: a comfortable English stroll. But football, as ever, had other ideas, for a little while anyway.

The first half unfolded like a particularly tedious chess match – lots of sideways passes, even more hopeful long balls, and absolutely NO end product. England huffed and puffed, looking more perplexed than dominant against a Panamanian defence that, surprisingly, held its shape with the tenacity of a barnacle. The half-time whistle blew, and the scoreboard delivered a truly UNINSPIRING None-None. Yes, you read that correctly. Against Panama. The collective groan from English pubs could probably be heard across the Atlantic, carrying a distinct flavour of stale lager.

Thankfully, someone must have had a stern word, or perhaps just reminded the Three Lions that they were actually playing in a World Cup match. The second half saw a marginally more effective England, albeit one still operating firmly in second gear. The breakthrough finally came, a moment of pure RELIEF for Gareth Southgate’s men, followed by another to seal the deal. The floodgates didn't exactly open, but the net did bulge twice.

So, England won 2-0. Against Panama. A victory, technically. But let's not get carried away polishing any silverware just yet. It was less a dominant display and more a professional obligation fulfilled. They got the points, which is the aim of the game, but the performance won't be featuring in any highlight reels unless they're compiling a "How Not To Break Down A Stubborn Underdog" montage.

As for Panama, they showed spirit, heart, and all those other lovely clichés usually reserved for teams who are clearly out of their depth. They kept England honest for a good 45 minutes, which, frankly, is probably