Rotterdam's Red and White Riot

Welcome back to reality, FC Groningen. De Kuip was in no mood for charity yesterday as Feyenoord reminded everyone why they are the best of the rest in the Eredivisie. After a string of three consecutive draws that were about as exciting as watching paint dry in a hurricane, the Rotterdammers finally remembered that the objective of the game is to actually put the ball in the net.

Jordan Bos was the architect of the early misery. The Australian left-back decided to channel his inner superstar, popping up in the 11th minute to smash home the opener before baiting the Groningen defense into a penalty just ten minutes later. It was TOTAL DOMINANCE from Bos, who spent the first half making the Groningen right-back look like he was wearing his boots on the wrong feet.

Ayase Ueda, a man who seemingly cannot stop scoring even if he tried, stepped up to bury the resulting penalty. He added a second in the 67th minute to take his season tally to 25 goals. At this rate, he will be linked to a desperate Premier League side for forty million pounds before the post-match press conference is even over.

Groningen, who sat 9th in the table before kickoff, played with all the urgency of a sloth on a Sunday afternoon. They were 2-0 down at the break and looked entirely content with that outcome until Thom van Bergen poked home a consolation goal in the 86th minute. It was a cute moment, but ultimately as useful as a solar-powered flashlight in a coal mine. They remain stuck in mid-table purgatory, safe from the drop but far too mediocre to actually threaten the big boys.

This result was CLINICAL for Feyenoord’s Champions League ambitions. Starting the day in 2nd place and feeling the hot breath of NEC Nijmegen on their necks, Brian Priske’s men have now carved out a four-point cushion.

The highlight of the closing stages wasn't the football, but the history books, as 16-year-old Ilai Grootfaam became the club’s youngest-ever Eredivisie player. It provided a nice sentimental gloss to a match that was, for the most part, a routine dismantling of a team that simply forgot to show up. Rotterdam is happy, Groningen is humbled, and the status quo remains stubbornly intact.