North London pharmacy runs out of aspirin

If you were expecting Xabi Alonso to walk into the Emirates and perform another tactical miracle, I hope you kept the receipt for those expectations. The "Neverkusen" magic has officially reached its expiration date, and it turns out that without the ability to score in the 97th minute, Bayer Leverkusen are just a very well-dressed group of men who enjoy passing the ball sideways.

Arsenal, meanwhile, have graduated from the school of "Glorious Failures" and are now LARPING as a cold-blooded European machine. Mikel Arteta’s men didn't just win; they essentially performed a clinical extraction of German hope while barely creasing their perfectly pressed jerseys. After the 1-1 draw in the first leg, the Gunners decided that playing with their food was no longer on the menu.

The first half was a masterclass in tactical suffocation. While Leverkusen spent forty-five minutes looking like they were trying to solve a Rubik's cube with their eyes closed, Arsenal simply waited for the inevitable. The 1-0 lead at the break felt less like a scoreline and more like a foregone conclusion. Even Granit Xhaka’s return to his old "library" couldn't spark any life into the visitors; the Swiss general spent more time admiring the landscaping than actually disrupting the Arsenal midfield.

The second act was more of the same, with Arsenal doubling their advantage to kill off any lingering German delusions. While Florian Wirtz tried to find gaps that didn't exist, William Saliba was busy looking like he was mentally calculating his tax returns while casually dispossessing world-class forwards. It was TOTAL DOMINATION from a side that finally seems to have traded its fragile heart for a silicon chip.

This result sends Arsenal marching into the quarter-finals with the swagger of a team that actually believes they belong there, while Leverkusen heads back to the Bundesliga to focus on finishing sixth. The Gunners are currently five points clear at the top of the Premier League, and on this evidence, they might actually manage to not bottle it this time. For Alonso, the "Next Big Thing" tag is starting to feel a bit heavy. ABSOLUTE SHAMBLES for the Werkself.