Bohemian rhapsody or Dutch defensive disaster

Welcome back to the Conference League, the competition that exists primarily to ensure that Thursday nights aren't just for laundry and existential dread. After a first leg in the Netherlands that was about as exciting as watching paint dry for the first forty-five minutes, AZ Alkmaar travels to Prague with a 2-1 lead that feels as sturdy as a wet paper towel.

AZ Alkmaar, the team that finished fourteenth in the league phase and needed a playoff against someone called FC Noah to get here, is currently pretending to be a European powerhouse. They dominated the second half in the first leg, but their inability to keep a clean sheet means they’ve given Sparta a lifeline. Without Jordy Clasie to hold the midfield together, the Dutch side looks like a ship without a rudder, or more accurately, a bicycle without a chain in the middle of a cobblestone street.

Sparta Prague, meanwhile, are suffering from a severe case of dual personality disorder. They finished fourth in the league phase, looking like world-beaters, only to get SLAPPED 3-1 in the Prague derby last weekend. Their defense is currently performing with the structural integrity of a chocolate teapot. However, they are at home, and the epet ARENA is notoriously hostile to visitors who aren't used to the local beer and the relentless noise.

Expect Lukas Haraslin to be the only man in a red shirt who remembers that the goal is the white rectangular thing at the end of the pitch. AZ will try to "control" the game by passing the ball six thousand times without actually moving forward, while Sparta will wait for the inevitable Dutch defensive brain-fart to strike.

It’s going to be tense, it’s going to be scrappy, and it’s almost certainly going to involve at least one red card for someone who takes the "Spartan" label too literally. It is MASSIVE for both, but only one can continue this glorious journey toward a trophy that looks like an expensive vase.

Prediction: Sparta Prague 2-0 AZ Alkmaar