Kraków’s orange night for the Dutch nearly-men

Welcome to the Quarterfinals of the UEFA Conference League, the tournament where teams you forgot existed battle for a trophy that looks like an oversized vase. On Thursday night, Shakhtar Donetsk "hosts" AZ Alkmaar in Kraków, proving once again that the Miners are the undisputed kings of the nomadic lifestyle.

Shakhtar sits comfortably at the top of the Ukrainian Premier League with 58 points, because apparently, winning domestic titles while your home stadium is a memory is just another Tuesday for them. They’ve reached this stage with the kind of resilience that makes other clubs’ "injury crises" look like a broken fingernail. EXPECT them to be technical, patient, and probably better than this competition deserves.

On the other side, we have AZ Alkmaar, the eternal bridesmaids of Dutch football. Currently 4th in the Eredivisie with 52 points, they are the team everyone likes to watch but nobody expects to actually win anything. Their academy is basically a human-trafficking ring for future Premier League benchwarmers, and while they play some delightful "Total Football," they often forget the "Total" part when it comes to defending a lead.

The match will be played at the Stadion Miejski in Poland, where Shakhtar has turned exile into a fortress. AZ will try to play their usual expansive game, which is Dutch for "we will have 65% possession and lose to a counter-attack." Jordy Clasie is still there, presumably anchored to the center circle by his own legend, trying to stop Sudakov from making the Alkmaar defense look like a group of tourists lost in a tulip field.

It’s the first leg, so expect both teams to pretend they’re being cautious before inevitably descending into the chaotic, high-scoring madness that makes this third-tier competition actually worth watching.

Prediction: Shakhtar Donetsk 2-1 AZ Alkmaar