Infinite wallets and finite patience

If you enjoy the smell of fresh banknotes and the sight of 600-million-pound benches, tonight at the Parc des Princes is your personal Disneyland. We have the defending European champions, Paris Saint-Germain, hosting the "World Champions", Chelsea. It’s the Infinite Wallet Derby, and football purists are already crying into their vintage 1970s scarves.

Luis Enrique is still doing his best impression of a chess grandmaster who refuses to use his Queen. PSG are sitting pretty at the top of Ligue 1 with 68 points, as per usual, but we all know that league is just a glorified training session for these midweek European nights. They’ve finally found life after Mbappe, mostly by signing everyone who ever looked twice at a football in Naples or Lyon. Kvaratskhelia is treating the Parc like his personal playground, while Barcola is busy making every right-back in Europe look like they’re running through treacle.

Then there’s Chelsea. Todd Boehly’s experiment in "buying every human being with a pulse" continues to baffle and entertain in equal measure. They’re currently 4th in the Premier League with 55 points, which is actually an achievement considering Enzo Maresca has to use a megaphone just to address his 45-man squad at training. Chelsea’s strategy is simple: give the ball to Cole Palmer and pray. It works surprisingly often, mostly because Palmer seems to be the only person in West London who remembers that the goal is the bit with the net.

This won't be a tactical masterclass. It will be a chaotic, possession-obsessed mess where both teams try to pass the ball into the net from six inches out. Expect high lines, higher wages, and at least one VAR decision that takes longer than a flight to Doha. This is NOT a game for the faint of heart or the light of pocket.

Paris Saint-Germain 3-2 Chelsea