The Eagles play tourist at Selhurst Park
Ladies and gentlemen, check your calendars and adjust your television sets because this is not a drill. The UEFA Conference League—the competition specifically engineered so that mid-table teams can feel a flicker of continental relevance on a Thursday night—has brought us a matchup we never knew we needed. Crystal Palace, a club usually content with the beige safety of the Premier League's mid-section, is hosting AEK Larnaca in a Round of 16 tie.
Yes, SELHURST PARK is hosting European knockout football. Somewhere in Croydon, a resident is wondering if they have accidentally wandered into a fever dream or a very expensive prank. Oliver Glasner’s men come into this clash sitting 13th in the table with 38 points, still riding the high of a 3-1 demolition of Tottenham. Of course, beating Spurs these days is about as difficult as finding a rainy day in London, but for Palace, it is practically a coronation.
On the other side of the pitch, we have AEK Larnaca. To be perfectly honest, most people in South London probably think Larnaca is either a new brand of artisanal Greek yogurt or a budget airline that charges you extra for breathing. They are the ultimate outsiders, traveling from the sun-drenched shores of Cyprus to the horizontal rain and grit of South London. They have reached the Round of 16, which suggests that in this competition, if you can run for ninety minutes without tripping over your own laces, you are basically a title contender.
The spotlight will inevitably fall on Jean-Philippe Mateta. Our favorite Frenchman has managed 8 goals this season from an xG of nearly 13. That is a statistical tragedy that suggests he could miss the ocean if he fell out of a boat. However, against a Cypriot defense that might be more accustomed to defending beach umbrellas than Premier League athletes, even he should find the net. Alongside him, Eberechi Eze will likely be doing things with a football that the Larnaca defenders have only ever seen in video games.
If Palace manages to mess this up, they should probably be banned from international travel for at least a decade. But let’s be real: the gulf in quality is wider than the gap in Mateta’s finishing stats. Expect a professional, if slightly arrogant, display from the hosts.
Crystal Palace 3-0 AEK Larnaca