London's Big Spenders meet Qatar's Crown Jewels

Chelsea, a club that currently operates more like a high-frequency trading firm than a football team, welcomes the Parisian circus to Stamford Bridge. Enzo Maresca is still trying to figure out which of his forty-seven wingers actually knows how to cross a ball, and the recent 1-0 home loss to Newcastle suggests the answer is NONE of them. The Blues sit 6th in the Premier League with 48 points, which is about as consistent as a London weather forecast and twice as depressing.

They face a Paris Saint-Germain side that has spent the last decade trying to buy a soul and settled for a very expensive trophy cabinet that somehow remains empty of the one thing they actually want. Luis Enrique’s men are currently chilling at the top of Ligue 1 with 57 points, mostly because their domestic competition has the collective backbone of a soggy croissant. Their last match against Nantes was postponed, giving them plenty of time to practice their inevitable second-leg collapse.

The tactical battle will be a feast for the masochists. Expect Chelsea to have 70% possession while doing absolutely nothing with it, while PSG's frontline wanders around looking for a counter-attack or a more glamorous tax bracket. If Chelsea’s defense shows the same spatial awareness they displayed against Newcastle, Ousmane Dembele might actually score without tripping over the ball first.

STAMFORD BRIDGE will be rocking, or at least filled with people wondering why they paid three hundred pounds to watch two teams allergic to clinical finishing. Chelsea has the home advantage, but PSG has the better PR department and slightly more functional legs. It is the clash of the teams that everybody loves to hate, and honestly, we just hope both sides find a way to lose.

Prediction: Chelsea 1-1 Paris Saint-Germain