London's most expensive funeral

Welcome back to the annual gathering of teams who have spent more on full-backs than most small nations spend on their entire healthcare systems. After the first-leg CARNAGE in Paris, where Chelsea’s defense looked less like a professional unit and more like a collection of tourists lost in the Metro, the circus moves to Stamford Bridge.

Chelsea currently sits 5th in the Premier League with 48 points, which is basically a MIRACLE considering their squad is large enough to populate a medium-sized village. They head into this return leg trailing 5-2, a deficit so large even Todd Boehly's checkbook can't balance it. The strategy is simple: give the ball to João Pedro, pray to the gods of chaos, and hope Nicolas Jackson remembers that the goal is the bit with the net, not the corner flag.

Across the pitch, Paris Saint-Germain arrives with the smugness of a team that actually realized they are allowed to win big games. They are 1st in Ligue 1 with 57 points, mostly because beating Nantes and Metz isn't exactly a feat of Herculean proportions. Luis Enrique has turned them into a "passing-to-nowhere" machine that somehow found its gears last week. Bradley Barcola is currently running faster than the speed of sound, and with a three-goal lead, PSG is in their favorite phase: the pre-bottling euphoria.

We’ve seen this movie before. The Parisians have a PhD in CRUMBLING under the slightest English pressure, but even they might find it hard to lose this one. Expect Chelsea to throw a billion pounds' worth of talent at the wall for 90 minutes while PSG’s midfield treats the grass like a yoga retreat. It will be loud, it will be desperate, and it will probably end with more yellow cards than actual shots on target.

Prediction: Chelsea FC 2-2 Paris Saint-Germain FC