North London's robots meet the fading pharmacy

Welcome to the Emirates, a stadium so pristine you could perform open-heart surgery on the penalty spot, provided you don't mind Mikel Arteta shouting tactical instructions at your scalpel. Tonight, Arsenal hosts Bayer Leverkusen in a Champions League return leg that has "foregone conclusion" written all over it in very expensive calligraphy.

Arsenal is currently LARPING as the greatest footballing machine ever assembled. They breezed through the league phase with a perfect eight-for-eight record, a feat so arrogant it probably should have been illegal. Currently sitting 1st in the Premier League with 70 points, they’ve turned winning into a personality trait. Martin Ødegaard is currently seeing the world in 4D, while William Saliba spends most matches looking like he’s mentally calculating his tax returns while casually dispossessing world-class strikers.

Then there’s Bayer Leverkusen. The "Neverlusen" magic has clearly hit its pharmacological expiration date. Xabi Alonso’s side limped into the Round of 16 in 16th place with a measly 12 points and a negative goal difference. They’re languishing in 6th place in the Bundesliga with 44 points, looking less like a German steamroller and more like a confused pharmacy delivery bike. They’ve leaked 14 goals in eight European games, which is exactly the kind of hospitality Bukayo Saka dreams about when he’s tucking himself in at night.

The first leg was a 1-1 draw, a tactical stalemate so profound it made watching paint dry look like a Michael Bay movie. Granit Xhaka returns to the Emirates to show his former fans that he’s finally matured into a midfield general who only gets booked for "intellectual" fouls. On the other side, Kai Havertz will likely spend ninety minutes drifting around like a very talented ghost, waiting for the exact moment to remind Leverkusen why they were so happy to take 65 million pounds for him.

Arsenal should CRUSH them. But history suggests the Gunners usually find a way to make European nights as stressful as possible for their therapists. Expect total domination, a lot of sideways passing, and at least one moment of pure North London panic.

Bold prediction: Arsenal 2-0 Bayer Leverkusen